When Your Child is the Bully: Five Important Issues to Address by Derek Randel.
"The phone rang one night last week and it was Mr. Scott, my son's math teacher. He was informing me that my son, Ben, was hitting other students and even threatened Mr. Scott. In our home, we do not like this math teacher very much because he is always picking on Ben. Why would my son bully anyone? We are an affluent and loving family."If a teacher calls home with these concerns, should a parent be upset with the teacher? Should they immediately take their child's side? Why would they listen to a teacher and assume that the teacher is correct? Unfortunately, this is what is happening too often. Maybe we should consider there might be some truth in what the teacher is calling you about. If your child's teacher calls telling you that your child is bullying others and threatening the teacher, then this needs to be a wake up call.
I would recommend to any parent if they're told their child is a bully to look for the following: Uncontrolled anger, history of discipline problems, intolerance for differences, violent or aggressive behavior, expression of violence in writings or drawings, cruelty to animals, and destruction of property. These are just a few of numerous telling behaviors. Threatening a teacher should get your attention and get the child expelled. Over a five-year period in the United States, 1.3 million teachers were victims to non-fatal crimes at school. This is a growing problem that needs to be addressed. In Ontario, Canada, 40% of teachers report being bullied by students. In Finland, nearly one in five Finnish teachers and one in three principals are targeted with bullying and mental violence by students' parents. In the United Kingdom, 61% of teachers have experienced verbal insults and threats and 34% had been subjected to "physical aggression". This is a serious problem that no parent should take lightly.
steps to take:
1. Discuss the topic of firearms
The easy access to firearms has led to numerous school shootings and accidental shootings.
It would seem like a common sense move to keep them away from children.
Unfortunately, this is not always possible. You must talk to your child about this topic. Owning a gun is fine. However, they need to be locked and placed in a secure location. Having trigger locks is also a good idea. The topic MUST be brought up in discussions with your children.
2. Control the amount of violent television shows and video games.
There's evidence that people become less sensitive to violence after observing it over and over. When children play violent video games for an extended period of time, the following can occur:
Tendency to be more aggressive
More likely to have confrontation with their teachers
Possibly encourage fights with their peers
Decline in school achievements
Increases in aggressive behavior because violent acts are continually repeated throughout the video game. Repetition has long been considered an effective teaching method in reinforcing learning patterns. The interactive quality of video games differs from passively viewing television or movies because it allows players to become active participants in the game's script. Players are rewarded for their violent acts by moving up levels resulting in playing for longer time periods.
3. Parenting skills can/must be addressed
Most of the time, bullies are also victims and it could be coming from the home. Are you, your spouse, or a sibling a bully at home? Does your child frequently get criticized at home? Does he/she get spanked or hit? Is there an abusive parent in the home? Does anyone yell or use name-calling or put-downs? Many times we do not recognize the habits we have. However, addressing our parenting can make life much more enjoyable for all.
4. Address supervision
Is there a lack of supervision at home? Maybe the child has too much time alone. Children get into more trouble between the hours of 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. because of having too much free time. Limit your child's unsupervised time. Also, spend more time with your child and their friends by inviting their friends over while you're home.
5. Work with the schools, not against the schools
Meet with school officials. Let them know there is a problem and ask them, "How can we work together to solve this?" Realize this may just be a wake up call that should be stopped before it becomes a huge habit. Working together with the teacher and principal should be more helpful than working against each other and passing the blame. This is extremely important because we won't have to face this situation alone. They may have dealt with this topic numerous times in the past. Yes, your child could be a bully. We want to prepare our children for the real world and not protect them from it. Bailing your child out from consequences can lead to you needing to bail him out of jail in the future. Students must be held accountable for their actions.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
What is a Bully?
What is a Bully?
Bullying is about the abuse of power. Children who bully abuse their power to hurt others, deliberately and repeatedly. They are often hot-tempered, inflexible, overly confident, and don’t like to follow rules. They often lack empathy and may even enjoy inflicting pain on others. They often desire to dominate and control others, perceive hostile intent where none exists, overreact aggressively to ambiguous situations, and hold beliefs that support violence.
In the preschool years, bullies often rely on direct verbal bullying and physical power to control material objects or territory. They may lack the skills to interact in more socially appropriate ways.
In the elementary school years, bullies are more likely to use threats and physical force, combined with direct verbal bullying, to make victims do things against their will. At this age, some children begin to use indirect bullying to exclude peers from their social circle.
In the middle and high school years, bullies rely on direct verbal bullying such as name-calling and making threatening remarks, as well as physical bullying such as pushing and hitting. Although both boys and girls engage in physical bullying, girls are more likely to participate in indirect, relational bullying, such as rumor-spreading and social exclusion. They often use the Internet or cell phones to send these hurtful messages. While boys tend to rely on bullying to enhance their physical dominance, girls tend to use it to enhance their social status.
Sometimes children bully in groups. Children may join in because they look up to the bully and want to impress him or her, or because they are afraid and do not want to be attacked themselves.
Examining the Effects on The Bully
Besides hurting others, bullies damage themselves. Each time bullies hurt other children, they become even more removed emotionally from the suffering of their victims. They learn to justify their actions by believing their victims deserve to be bullied. They also learn that the way to get what they want from others is through force. Bullies often fail to develop the social skills of sharing, reciprocating, empathizing, and negotiating that form the basis for lasting friendships.
As they mature into adulthood, children who have bullied others often show higher rates of:
Aggression
Antisocial behavior
Carrying weapons to school
Dropping out of high school
Convictions for crime
Difficulty controlling their emotions
Traffic violations
Convictions for drunk driving
Depression
Suicides
Adults who have been bullied as children may be more likely to allow their own children to bully others, thus raising a new generation of bullies.
Bullies need not experience these devastating long-term effects if their patterns of behavior are changed before they become habitual and entrenched. Bullying prevention strategies are most effective when applied early to children who are young or have just begun to bully—the earlier the better.
Beginning in the preschool years, adults can teach children important bullying prevention skills and guide children as they practice using these skills.
Although it's never too late to change a bully's patterns of behavior, these habitual patterns are usuallly much more difficult to change in later years.
Social skills that form an important foundation for bullying prevention include:
Solving social problems
Sharing voluntarily
Interacting assertively
Showing empathy toward others
Bullying is about the abuse of power. Children who bully abuse their power to hurt others, deliberately and repeatedly. They are often hot-tempered, inflexible, overly confident, and don’t like to follow rules. They often lack empathy and may even enjoy inflicting pain on others. They often desire to dominate and control others, perceive hostile intent where none exists, overreact aggressively to ambiguous situations, and hold beliefs that support violence.
In the preschool years, bullies often rely on direct verbal bullying and physical power to control material objects or territory. They may lack the skills to interact in more socially appropriate ways.
In the elementary school years, bullies are more likely to use threats and physical force, combined with direct verbal bullying, to make victims do things against their will. At this age, some children begin to use indirect bullying to exclude peers from their social circle.
In the middle and high school years, bullies rely on direct verbal bullying such as name-calling and making threatening remarks, as well as physical bullying such as pushing and hitting. Although both boys and girls engage in physical bullying, girls are more likely to participate in indirect, relational bullying, such as rumor-spreading and social exclusion. They often use the Internet or cell phones to send these hurtful messages. While boys tend to rely on bullying to enhance their physical dominance, girls tend to use it to enhance their social status.
Sometimes children bully in groups. Children may join in because they look up to the bully and want to impress him or her, or because they are afraid and do not want to be attacked themselves.
Examining the Effects on The Bully
Besides hurting others, bullies damage themselves. Each time bullies hurt other children, they become even more removed emotionally from the suffering of their victims. They learn to justify their actions by believing their victims deserve to be bullied. They also learn that the way to get what they want from others is through force. Bullies often fail to develop the social skills of sharing, reciprocating, empathizing, and negotiating that form the basis for lasting friendships.
As they mature into adulthood, children who have bullied others often show higher rates of:
Aggression
Antisocial behavior
Carrying weapons to school
Dropping out of high school
Convictions for crime
Difficulty controlling their emotions
Traffic violations
Convictions for drunk driving
Depression
Suicides
Adults who have been bullied as children may be more likely to allow their own children to bully others, thus raising a new generation of bullies.
Bullies need not experience these devastating long-term effects if their patterns of behavior are changed before they become habitual and entrenched. Bullying prevention strategies are most effective when applied early to children who are young or have just begun to bully—the earlier the better.
Beginning in the preschool years, adults can teach children important bullying prevention skills and guide children as they practice using these skills.
Although it's never too late to change a bully's patterns of behavior, these habitual patterns are usuallly much more difficult to change in later years.
Social skills that form an important foundation for bullying prevention include:
Solving social problems
Sharing voluntarily
Interacting assertively
Showing empathy toward others
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Bullying is a conscious, willful, deliberate, hostile and repeated behaviour by one or more people,
which is intended to harm others. Bullying takes many forms, and can include may different
behaviours, such as:
• physical violence and attacks
• verbal taunts, name-calling and put-downs
• threats and intimidation
• extortion or stealing of money and possessions
• exclusion from the peer group
Bullying is the assertion of power through aggression. Its forms change with age: school playground bullying, sexual harassment. gang attacks, date violence, assault, marital violence,
child abuse, workplace harassment and elder abuse (Pepler and Craig, 1997)
“Bullying is not about anger . It is not a conflict to be resolved, it’s about contempt –a powerful
feeling of dislike toward someone considered to be worthless, inferior or undeserving of respect.
Contempt comes with three apparent psychological advantages that allow kids to harm others
without feeling empathy, compassion or shame. These are: a sense of entitlement, that
they have the right to hurt or control others, an intolerance towards difference, and a freedom to
exclude, bar, isolate and segregate others” (Barbara Coloroso “The Bully, the Bullied and
the Bystander)
Bullying Myths and Facts:
Myth: “Bullying is just, stage, a normal part of life. I went through it my kids will too. ”
Fact: Bullying is not “normal” or socially acceptable behaviour. We give bullies power by our acceptance of this behaviour.
Myth: “If I tell someone, it will just make it worse.”
Fact: Research shows that bullying will stop when adults in authority and peers get involved .
Myth: “Just stand up for yourself and hit them back”
Fact: While there are some times when people can be forced to defend themselves, hitting back
usually makes the bullying worse and increases the risk for serious physical harm.
Myth: “Bullying is a school problem, the teachers should handle it”
Fact: Bullying is a broader social problem that often happens outside of schools, on the street, at
shopping centers, the local pool, summer camp and in the adult workplace.”
Myth: “People are born bullies”
Fact: Bullying is a learned behaviour and behaviors can be changed if there is a desire to change.
Fact: Other kids are watching 85% of the time when one kid bullies another kid. Adults like teachers or parents hardly ever see a bully being mean to someone else.
which is intended to harm others. Bullying takes many forms, and can include may different
behaviours, such as:
• physical violence and attacks
• verbal taunts, name-calling and put-downs
• threats and intimidation
• extortion or stealing of money and possessions
• exclusion from the peer group
Bullying is the assertion of power through aggression. Its forms change with age: school playground bullying, sexual harassment. gang attacks, date violence, assault, marital violence,
child abuse, workplace harassment and elder abuse (Pepler and Craig, 1997)
“Bullying is not about anger . It is not a conflict to be resolved, it’s about contempt –a powerful
feeling of dislike toward someone considered to be worthless, inferior or undeserving of respect.
Contempt comes with three apparent psychological advantages that allow kids to harm others
without feeling empathy, compassion or shame. These are: a sense of entitlement, that
they have the right to hurt or control others, an intolerance towards difference, and a freedom to
exclude, bar, isolate and segregate others” (Barbara Coloroso “The Bully, the Bullied and
the Bystander)
Bullying Myths and Facts:
Myth: “Bullying is just, stage, a normal part of life. I went through it my kids will too. ”
Fact: Bullying is not “normal” or socially acceptable behaviour. We give bullies power by our acceptance of this behaviour.
Myth: “If I tell someone, it will just make it worse.”
Fact: Research shows that bullying will stop when adults in authority and peers get involved .
Myth: “Just stand up for yourself and hit them back”
Fact: While there are some times when people can be forced to defend themselves, hitting back
usually makes the bullying worse and increases the risk for serious physical harm.
Myth: “Bullying is a school problem, the teachers should handle it”
Fact: Bullying is a broader social problem that often happens outside of schools, on the street, at
shopping centers, the local pool, summer camp and in the adult workplace.”
Myth: “People are born bullies”
Fact: Bullying is a learned behaviour and behaviors can be changed if there is a desire to change.
Fact: Other kids are watching 85% of the time when one kid bullies another kid. Adults like teachers or parents hardly ever see a bully being mean to someone else.
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