With Mothers Day right around the corner I thought it would be helpfull to have some suggestions for all of you involved in any way with a Stepmother.
You see, most of the "rights' outlined below I have already come to decide (even demand at times) for myself but only after many tears, arguments and a lot of very hard feelings, hopefully my marriage is strong enough to survive having had to live each and every experience listed below. No one should (stepmoms) ever have to be put in a situation where these Step Mom's Bill of Rights is ever taken for granted.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life or plans without my consent.
3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits or boundaries.
4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly and equally.
6.I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission ever.
8.I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10. Our marriage is our very first priority, and we will address all issues together.
Showing posts with label stepkids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stepkids. Show all posts
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
How to Make Friends With a Step-Son in 5 Steps
How to Make Friends With a Step-Son in 5 Steps
Whether your step-son is 3 or 16, you have challenges to overcome when starting a relationship with him. You can save everyone a lot of grief by being friends with him from the first meeting. As an adult, your example and the leadership of your husband can make the difference between a step-son who rebels and causes problems for everyone in the family, or one who learns respect, responsibility and fairness.
Being a mother is the single most demanding and difficult job you will ever have, but being a step mother is even more difficult and can be really challenging for you emotionally and can even affect your marriage if you and your husband are not on the same page with regards to child rearing and discipline.
Step 1 Use positive reinforcement with your step-son.
Step 2 Give him space when you think he needs it.
Step 3 Support his interests.
Step 4 Find ways to spend quality time together.
Step 5 Make sure he spends time alone with your spouse. Suggest activities they can do together.
Tips & Warnings
Never speak unkindly of his bio mom no matter how difficult she makes your life.
Make friends by recognizing his achievements.
Avoid nagging.
Insist your husband parent and discipline his own children.
You may suffer a backlash if your stepson has an insecure bio mom with mental health issues. There should be no ransom held on love, but unfortunately if you find yourself in a situation with a mentally unstable bio mom you may consider obtaining professional help from a child psychologist.
Whether your step-son is 3 or 16, you have challenges to overcome when starting a relationship with him. You can save everyone a lot of grief by being friends with him from the first meeting. As an adult, your example and the leadership of your husband can make the difference between a step-son who rebels and causes problems for everyone in the family, or one who learns respect, responsibility and fairness.
Being a mother is the single most demanding and difficult job you will ever have, but being a step mother is even more difficult and can be really challenging for you emotionally and can even affect your marriage if you and your husband are not on the same page with regards to child rearing and discipline.
Step 1 Use positive reinforcement with your step-son.
Step 2 Give him space when you think he needs it.
Step 3 Support his interests.
Step 4 Find ways to spend quality time together.
Step 5 Make sure he spends time alone with your spouse. Suggest activities they can do together.
Tips & Warnings
Never speak unkindly of his bio mom no matter how difficult she makes your life.
Make friends by recognizing his achievements.
Avoid nagging.
Insist your husband parent and discipline his own children.
You may suffer a backlash if your stepson has an insecure bio mom with mental health issues. There should be no ransom held on love, but unfortunately if you find yourself in a situation with a mentally unstable bio mom you may consider obtaining professional help from a child psychologist.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
8 Tips For Dealing With The Psycho Ex Wife
Step parenting is not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination. By marrying a man with children from a previous marriage, you assume the responsibility for being a part of those children's lives and caretaking, this usually comes usually with a bias (even if it's small) against you, the Stepparent. You have to learn to live with and discipline children that aren't yours, children that may not give you the time of day, much less validate your discipline attempts. Children with psychological issues are an entirely different subject and are usually influenced by a mentally ill parent!
And if that wasn't difficult enough, then there's the Ex, regardless of if she's crazy or Psycho, one way or another, this woman usually causes stress in your life, even if she's not a Bitter Ex. The Ex will never go away as long as you are married to your husband and they have children still at home to raise, so you're going to be dealing with this woman for a very long time.
The Bitter Ex is a whole other ball game and I pray for you if you’re dealing with a bitter, crazy or psycho ex wife. The Bitter Ex is a woman who is vindictive, hostile, irate, often irrational (sometimes she is so blinded by her hatred for you and your husband that it is even to the detriment of her own children), and she can be violent. She is often so blinded by her own anger that this woman will go to any length to make your lives a living hell. More often than not this stems from her uncontrollable jealousy...either jealousy over you because she still loves him, or she is missing her old life where the family was a "solid unit", your living in the family house, she's lost her jobs, houses, cars, money and boyfriends etc...the reasons are numerous.
So not only do you, the Stepparent, have to deal with kids that aren't yours, you now must find a way to deal with The Bitter Ex. From experience, I offer the following advice that may help:
1. Above all, NEVER lose your temper. The Ex will go out of her way to try to irritate you, and getting you to lose your composure is her goal. Bite that tongue and save those come-backs for your husband behind closed doors. Always keeping face will not only irritate her more (which is excellent "revenge" in itself, if you feel the need for it), but will give her no reason whatsoever to badmouth you in the future, trust me the people in the community know what and who she is anyway. And the children will see that she's the one who is irrational, badmouths you etc. and will eventually call her out on it, maybe not until they are grown and out of the house, but they see what she's done.
2. Always attempt to create a harmonious relationship between everyone. Try to be that peacekeeper. No, you don't have to be her friend, but by being civil and keeping the door open for communication can do wonders for helping the kids, which should be everyone's main concern...even if she is so blinded by hatred and jealousy that it doesn't seem to be hers at the moment.
3. If his Ex is really teetering on the edge of being a Psycho Ex, it would be in your best interest to protect yourself by documenting everything! You never know if you may need documentation later for restraining orders. Keep all letters, emails and voicemails from her that may prove her unstable state of mind later down the road.
4. Try to detach from the Ex situation and let your Husband deal with her. After all, she's really not YOUR problem, it's his. Detachment may save your sanity.
5. Never badmouth or say anything negative about the Ex in front of the children. This will only alienate the kids from you as they feel an innate need to defend their mother, even if she is psychotic.
6. Find a support group for stepparents, whether it's online or in your community. There are lots of online resources for stepparents & the unique issues involved.
7. Try not to take things personally, even if it's an attack intentionally aimed at you. His Ex is bitter for a reason, if she's so vindictive that she has harmed and alienated her own children that is something that SHE has to work out for herself. Her attacks at you stem from some miserable insecurity within herself, if she was the one that left the marriage bed she is probably filled with remorse or regret every time she see's you and your husband out having a great time and in love. Remind yourself of this, and don't take it personally because she has a mental condition. Pray for her and let it roll off your back because if she's psycho hopefully she'll eventually be ordered into a psychiatric evaluation if she's harming her own children.
8. Relax! And hang in there. It really is worth it in the end, those kids grow up and leave and so will their mom.
And if that wasn't difficult enough, then there's the Ex, regardless of if she's crazy or Psycho, one way or another, this woman usually causes stress in your life, even if she's not a Bitter Ex. The Ex will never go away as long as you are married to your husband and they have children still at home to raise, so you're going to be dealing with this woman for a very long time.
The Bitter Ex is a whole other ball game and I pray for you if you’re dealing with a bitter, crazy or psycho ex wife. The Bitter Ex is a woman who is vindictive, hostile, irate, often irrational (sometimes she is so blinded by her hatred for you and your husband that it is even to the detriment of her own children), and she can be violent. She is often so blinded by her own anger that this woman will go to any length to make your lives a living hell. More often than not this stems from her uncontrollable jealousy...either jealousy over you because she still loves him, or she is missing her old life where the family was a "solid unit", your living in the family house, she's lost her jobs, houses, cars, money and boyfriends etc...the reasons are numerous.
So not only do you, the Stepparent, have to deal with kids that aren't yours, you now must find a way to deal with The Bitter Ex. From experience, I offer the following advice that may help:
1. Above all, NEVER lose your temper. The Ex will go out of her way to try to irritate you, and getting you to lose your composure is her goal. Bite that tongue and save those come-backs for your husband behind closed doors. Always keeping face will not only irritate her more (which is excellent "revenge" in itself, if you feel the need for it), but will give her no reason whatsoever to badmouth you in the future, trust me the people in the community know what and who she is anyway. And the children will see that she's the one who is irrational, badmouths you etc. and will eventually call her out on it, maybe not until they are grown and out of the house, but they see what she's done.
2. Always attempt to create a harmonious relationship between everyone. Try to be that peacekeeper. No, you don't have to be her friend, but by being civil and keeping the door open for communication can do wonders for helping the kids, which should be everyone's main concern...even if she is so blinded by hatred and jealousy that it doesn't seem to be hers at the moment.
3. If his Ex is really teetering on the edge of being a Psycho Ex, it would be in your best interest to protect yourself by documenting everything! You never know if you may need documentation later for restraining orders. Keep all letters, emails and voicemails from her that may prove her unstable state of mind later down the road.
4. Try to detach from the Ex situation and let your Husband deal with her. After all, she's really not YOUR problem, it's his. Detachment may save your sanity.
5. Never badmouth or say anything negative about the Ex in front of the children. This will only alienate the kids from you as they feel an innate need to defend their mother, even if she is psychotic.
6. Find a support group for stepparents, whether it's online or in your community. There are lots of online resources for stepparents & the unique issues involved.
7. Try not to take things personally, even if it's an attack intentionally aimed at you. His Ex is bitter for a reason, if she's so vindictive that she has harmed and alienated her own children that is something that SHE has to work out for herself. Her attacks at you stem from some miserable insecurity within herself, if she was the one that left the marriage bed she is probably filled with remorse or regret every time she see's you and your husband out having a great time and in love. Remind yourself of this, and don't take it personally because she has a mental condition. Pray for her and let it roll off your back because if she's psycho hopefully she'll eventually be ordered into a psychiatric evaluation if she's harming her own children.
8. Relax! And hang in there. It really is worth it in the end, those kids grow up and leave and so will their mom.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Marriage the Next Time Around
Make Your Second Marriage a Success!
It’s a proven fact that second marriages suffer a divorce rate higher than first marriages because of a simple, yet serious mistakes that people make when they re-marry.
Psychology Today stated that “a whopping 60% of second marriages fail. And they do so even more quickly after an average of 10 years; 37% of second marriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages.”
If we are to learn anything from our first failed marriage it should be the fact that you need to re-marry with intense CAUTION. Here are several suggestions that will help you beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make your second marriage a success:
1. Make Sure You REALLY Know Who You’re Marrying this time.....
Be sure that YOUR beliefs are equal with your spouse’s. And I’m not just talking about religion here. I’m also talking about your partner’s beliefs about making and saving money, disciplining step-children, love & affection, sex etc.
Being unable to agree about beliefs on subjects like these that will quickly put your relationship on the fast track to divorce.
Do not make the same mistakes you did in your first marriage.
2. Create a Check List of Issues that Led to Your Last Divorce
Write down every thing you and your ex fought about throughout your marriage. List even the little things because after a few years they become BIG THINGS!
Did you struggle with jealousy issues even though your spouse gave you no reason to be jealouse?
Did you and your ex have money problems in your marriage... Make a list of all the issues that contributed to your last divorce.
Those may seem like insignificant issues right now, but it is better to get everything out into the open BEFORE you are married...than to be sorry that you didn't later.
3. Don’t Rush Into your Second Marriage Because You’re Blinded By “Love”.
Research shows that the second marriage divorce rate greatly increases if you’ve been in a relationship with a person for less than a year. Do not make the mistake of thinking this research does not apply to you. As difficult as it may be to accept, these ARE the facts.
Few people are thinking straight if they remarry too quickly.
Though you may not want to hear this right now, romance is a very powerful “drug”. It will keep you in a trance like state right up until the moment you say I do…for the second time.
4. Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...Honestly Look at What Caused Your Last Divorce.
To beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate, you MUST start to be honest with yourself. Understand that it was NOT just one issue or the other person that “caused” your last divorce, you were 1/2 of that failed marriage, accept your involvement in your failed marriage.
It is the clash of two OPPOSITE value systems that drives people to divorce.
Two opposite “values” or "belief's" can cause a variety of problems in a marriage like:
Internet porn-adultery
Infidelity
Over-sensitivity
Lack of intimacy
Excessive fighting
Confusing and unclear communication
Not enough quality time due to busy schedules
Unsolvable children issues
Inability to find the real source of conflicts
It's important to find out which issues caused conflict in your last marriage so you can openly discuss them with your partner.
There is no need to discuss ALL the details of your last marriage...not with your future spouse or your last spouse. If you are truly emotionally and legally divorced you will have no need to explain your failed marriage to your ex.
5. CLEARLY Understand Your Expectations of Each Other.
It is important to go into a second marriage with a clear understanding of what your needs are. Men and women’s expectations and needs are shockingly different, so be sure to talk openly and honestly about these needs BEFORE you get married the second time around.
If you REALLY want to beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make this time around a success, you MUST understand the CRITICAL role that your and your spouse's belief systems take on in a marriage.
6. Wait to re-marry until you are over your divorce!
If you are in a constant battle with your ex over the kids or money, you are not in a possition to drag a third person into the mix. Do your self and everyone involved, wait until the kids are settled or grown and your ex is settled. Re-marrying will only ad increased stress to an already stressfull and tense situation. Many ex's will try anything to maintain any sort of a "Marrital relationship" with their former spouse that they can, make sure you know if you are in that relationship.
If you find yourself having to constantly defend your previous marriage to and with your ex spouse, you certainly are not ready for a third person to be thrown into the mix.
Be very aware of your future marriage partners relationship with his / her ex, they may still be too connected and not emotionally available to begin a new relationship with you if they are constantly dealing with the last failed marriage.
Good luck!
With some thought, you can have a successfull second marriage and beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate that is now over 60% !
It’s a proven fact that second marriages suffer a divorce rate higher than first marriages because of a simple, yet serious mistakes that people make when they re-marry.
Psychology Today stated that “a whopping 60% of second marriages fail. And they do so even more quickly after an average of 10 years; 37% of second marriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages.”
If we are to learn anything from our first failed marriage it should be the fact that you need to re-marry with intense CAUTION. Here are several suggestions that will help you beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make your second marriage a success:
1. Make Sure You REALLY Know Who You’re Marrying this time.....
Be sure that YOUR beliefs are equal with your spouse’s. And I’m not just talking about religion here. I’m also talking about your partner’s beliefs about making and saving money, disciplining step-children, love & affection, sex etc.
Being unable to agree about beliefs on subjects like these that will quickly put your relationship on the fast track to divorce.
Do not make the same mistakes you did in your first marriage.
2. Create a Check List of Issues that Led to Your Last Divorce
Write down every thing you and your ex fought about throughout your marriage. List even the little things because after a few years they become BIG THINGS!
Did you struggle with jealousy issues even though your spouse gave you no reason to be jealouse?
Did you and your ex have money problems in your marriage... Make a list of all the issues that contributed to your last divorce.
Those may seem like insignificant issues right now, but it is better to get everything out into the open BEFORE you are married...than to be sorry that you didn't later.
3. Don’t Rush Into your Second Marriage Because You’re Blinded By “Love”.
Research shows that the second marriage divorce rate greatly increases if you’ve been in a relationship with a person for less than a year. Do not make the mistake of thinking this research does not apply to you. As difficult as it may be to accept, these ARE the facts.
Few people are thinking straight if they remarry too quickly.
Though you may not want to hear this right now, romance is a very powerful “drug”. It will keep you in a trance like state right up until the moment you say I do…for the second time.
4. Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...Honestly Look at What Caused Your Last Divorce.
To beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate, you MUST start to be honest with yourself. Understand that it was NOT just one issue or the other person that “caused” your last divorce, you were 1/2 of that failed marriage, accept your involvement in your failed marriage.
It is the clash of two OPPOSITE value systems that drives people to divorce.
Two opposite “values” or "belief's" can cause a variety of problems in a marriage like:
Internet porn-adultery
Infidelity
Over-sensitivity
Lack of intimacy
Excessive fighting
Confusing and unclear communication
Not enough quality time due to busy schedules
Unsolvable children issues
Inability to find the real source of conflicts
It's important to find out which issues caused conflict in your last marriage so you can openly discuss them with your partner.
There is no need to discuss ALL the details of your last marriage...not with your future spouse or your last spouse. If you are truly emotionally and legally divorced you will have no need to explain your failed marriage to your ex.
5. CLEARLY Understand Your Expectations of Each Other.
It is important to go into a second marriage with a clear understanding of what your needs are. Men and women’s expectations and needs are shockingly different, so be sure to talk openly and honestly about these needs BEFORE you get married the second time around.
If you REALLY want to beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make this time around a success, you MUST understand the CRITICAL role that your and your spouse's belief systems take on in a marriage.
6. Wait to re-marry until you are over your divorce!
If you are in a constant battle with your ex over the kids or money, you are not in a possition to drag a third person into the mix. Do your self and everyone involved, wait until the kids are settled or grown and your ex is settled. Re-marrying will only ad increased stress to an already stressfull and tense situation. Many ex's will try anything to maintain any sort of a "Marrital relationship" with their former spouse that they can, make sure you know if you are in that relationship.
If you find yourself having to constantly defend your previous marriage to and with your ex spouse, you certainly are not ready for a third person to be thrown into the mix.
Be very aware of your future marriage partners relationship with his / her ex, they may still be too connected and not emotionally available to begin a new relationship with you if they are constantly dealing with the last failed marriage.
Good luck!
With some thought, you can have a successfull second marriage and beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate that is now over 60% !
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