Courts, Stress and Death

Stress kills!


I am a perfect example of the effects of high levels of stress. At 49 all my tests were great, blood pressure good, PSA good, weight and overall health good. I hunted, fished and played with my sons and wife. We attended church together as a family, had friends and family over and enjoyed life. The boys activities were a major point in our lives and we all traveled together.

Then came back my ex wife with a vengeance. The nightmare started, and all of the things I did for enjoyment stopped and the focus became court issues.

During this time I had remarried (4 years) to a very smart and beautiful woman, This caused my ex wife of several years to start a campaign of evil. Even though I was ignorant of Parental Alienation at the time, it was very apparent that My ex wife did her best at every opportunity to bad mouth me and my wife to my sons and anyone in the community that would listen. She was and still is very angry and bitter. It seems she cannot elevate herself or herself esteem so she attempts to harm the reputation of others, to bring them down to, or below the level she feels herself in.

Long story short, (just in this blog, much more to come) My wife and I had full custody of my sons. My ex had gambled and partied away her money and after 7 cars and 2 houses, and many boyfriends (wrote me an e-mail that she had young men standing in line) all of the divorce settlement worth over $80,000 and filed bankruptcy .

It had been agreed that my ex wife would keep the children under her work health care because she stated that it only cost her $8 to do so, (I am self employed). That was fine until my ex wife had the need to cause problems. The year I was 49 my ex would not pay anything for the kids health care and raised the deductable to $3,000. After many attempts to get her to pay, including clarification from the court, She just said no to any payments and to take her to court. My wife and I paid the total deductable on my ex wife’s health care policy for that year (over $3,000) with nothing from her. My blood pressure started to climb and I was put on medication.

Later a court battle started over custody of the boys. My ex wife was broke and after finding out that I had a great cherry harvest and a super income year, put a plan in place to steal the children from me. She had always threatened to get a huge amount of child support from me but without having custody of the boys she could not. So starts the escalation of Parental Alienation and laying a ground work within people she knew. Bottom line is that with lies told by her and her attorney and statements made to the court by my two sons who were being mentally manipulated, (documented by a child psychologist the boys were court ordered to see, that it is the worst case of parental alienation that he had ever seen) stole my sons from me and branded me as abusive. This was in December of my 49th year. By March of the next year the court battle and lies continued. My heart was broken and my currant wife and I were having huge marital problems from this issue. I turned 50 and my PSA started to climb. Within 9 months it was confirmed I had cancer.

The reality is that excessive, stress can actually kill you. It can take a very healthy body and destroy it within months. When you're stressed, your body produces the hormone cortisol, which is designed to get your rear in gear as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism. However, this hormone is meant to be released only occasionally in small doses - when stress causes it to be secreted for long periods of time, the body reacts with a variety of different health consequences.

The following are seven of the major health effects caused by stress. If you're experiencing any of these conditions and believe they may be linked to stress, seek medical counseling as soon as possible:

1. Diabetes

Diabetes occurs when the body produces too little insulin to process all the sugars in your body. As these sugars build up, you may experience a number of health problems including thirst, headaches and weight loss. Over time, the condition can cause complications ranging from heart disease, stroke, kidney disease, eye damage, nerve damage, diabetic neuropathy, skin conditions, and gastrointestinal problems.

2. High Blood Pressure

High blood pressure is often referred to as a "silent killer" because there are few actual symptoms that present with the disease. High levels of stress can bring on this condition, which can result in an aneurysm,
coronary heart disease, enlarged heart, damage to the brain and even heart attack. If that isn't a good enough reason to learn to manage your stress - I don't know what is!

3. Weight Gain

People under high levels of stress often experience fluctuations in weight - as anyone who's ever taken comfort in candy bars knows all to well. However, if your weight gain gets out of control, you could be putting yourself at risk for developing cancer, heart problems, high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, sleep apnea, liver disease and gallbladder disease. If you notice that you've put on a few pounds, try hitting the gym - exercise is also a natural stress reliever.

4. Susceptibility to Disease

Your body can only do so much - when you're under constant pressure, its resources are being diverted to help respond to stress. This leaves the immune system compromised and susceptible to infection by viruses and bacteria. If you've ever noticed yourself coming down with a bug when you're at your most stressed, it isn't just a coincidence - it's your body letting you know that you're under too much stress to handle safely.

5. Depression

Constant stress can make you feel like there's no way out of your predicament, which can eventually lead to feelings of hopelessness and depression. Depression is a serious disease - it's nothing to take lightly. If you find yourself feeling trapped by feelings of despair and despondency, seek professional help immediately.

6. Heart Disease

Type A people beware - stress can and does cause heart disease and heart attacks. Stress contributes to the buildup of plaque in the arteries. As the arteries narrow, the heart has to push the blood even harder to distribute it throughout the body. Over time, this extra stress on the heart can have devastating effects.

7. Cancer

While there's no proven link between stress and cancer, it's widely accepted that excessive stress is a risk factor for developing a type of this deadly disease. Overall, stress weakens the immune system which may allow cancerous tissues to develop and flourish. If you feel that excessive negative stress is causing your immune system to break down, seek help to learn effective stress management techniques that allow you to cope properly.

3 Keys to Healing Parental Alienation

When children go away to college and get away from "who and what" the controlling family members want them to be, a window opens up. What they discover is their essence. Now here's the gem...

That essence is a composite of their formative years. If you were in their lives during this time, good chance you can slip back in and they can be in yours.

3 Keys to Healing Parental Alienation

There are some key things you will want to do and things you'll be best avoiding in order to rekindle your relationship with your children if you are an estranged parent.

1) Focus on what you have, and what you had, with them; not what you don't have or what you missed. To help you maintain this focus, find points of shared sweet sentiment and build out from here.

2) Trust that they don't need to understand all the elements surrounding your absence to feel their love for you and yours for them. It is already there. Always know these so-called "elements" of your story must be digested as they can be assimilated...and not a moment before.

3) Don't expect them to give you back what you lost. They can't. They don't hold what you lost, as they lost it too.

Forgive yourself and forgive your children.

It will be OK

Live your life, be happy, have fun, remember the good times and look forward to more...in the years to come.

May God Bless You

Court destroys families for profit

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Any attorney will tell you that custody and child support are two different issues that should not be considered together. The truth is far different, however.

As we all know, child support is based on income and how much time the children spend with each parent. In most states, support is determine based on the share income model, whereby all income is pooled and then split, with support being paid to the parent who has the most custody time and/or lesser income. The closer each parent has to equal time, the less child support is due. So how does this affect the shared parenting movement and fathers gaining more custody?

First, we have to understand a few realities. Child support is determined by judges that are supposed to follow state guidelines. Judges and all of the support staff that prepare support orders and enact collection procedures are paid by the state. The state is funded by Federal grants that are determined by these 5 things:

(A) The paternity establishment performance level.
B) The support order performance level.
(C) The current payment performance level.
(D) The arrearage payment performance level.
(E) The cost–effectiveness performance level.

Let’s take these one at a time and discuss how they impact share parenting and other custody arrangements.

(A) Paternity establishment.—

(i) Determination of paternity establishment performance level.—
The paternity establishment performance level for a State for a fiscal year is, at the option of the State, the IV-D paternity establishment percentage determined under section 452(g)(2)(A) or the statewide paternity establishment percentage determined under section 452(g)(2)(B).

Now, remember that custody and child support are handled separately in court. So, this section of the code is encouraging states to find fathers and determine paternity. Why? So they can collect child support, with nothing in the code to encourage that the newly identified father receive custody or even visitation from a woman who may not have even told them she was pregnant.

Further why is there no code for vigilantly enforcing child support orders against mothers? There are plenty of single fathers not receiving child support, yet you’ll not soon see stories about deadbeat mothers (despite the reality that mothers who are ordered to pay child support default in whole or in part at a percentage much higher than fathers).

(B) Establishment of child support orders.—

(i) Determination of support order performance level.—The support order performance level for a State for a fiscal year is the percentage of the total number of cases under the State plan approved under this part in which there is a support order during the fiscal year.

Did you read that?The more cases in which child support is ordered, the more money the state receives. It’s in the states’ best interests, and the best interests of the workers of the state (the ones that are judging and deciding how much custody you get) to keep one parent out of the picture in order to maximize the number of child support dollars.

(C) Collections on current child support due.—

(i) Determination of current payment performance level.—The current payment performance level for a State for a fiscal year is equal to the total amount of current support collected during the fiscal year under the State plan approved under this part divided by the total amount of current support owed during the fiscal year in all cases under the State plan, expressed as a percentage.

So, now that the state has forced a child support order, rather than making sure the children have equal access to both parents, the state has only assured that they are going to benefit by how much child support they actually collect. Is there anyone who doesn’t already know that children with two parents in their lives fair better than those raised by mothers alone?

This is the reason fathers, in the overwhelming majority of cases, go to jail for failure to pay child support. Meanwhile, nothing happens to mothers who withhold or deny visitation because the court has no financial incentive to hold mothers to custody agreements/orders.

(D) Collections on child support arrearages.—

(i) Determination of arrearage payment performance level.—The arrearage payment performance level for a State for a fiscal year is equal to the total number of cases under the State plan approved under this part in which payments of past–due child support were received during the fiscal year and part or all of the payments were distributed to the family to whom the past–due child support was owed (or, if all past–due child support owed to the family was, at the time of receipt, subject to an assignment to the State, part or all of the payments were retained by the State) divided by the total number of cases under the State plan in which there is past–due child support, expressed as a percentage.

As we’ve seen in many recent child support cases, arrearages are being assessed by recalculating back support orders, or even awarding attorneys fees, even when involved in contempt issues which are completely separate from support orders. The arrearages then count towards additional financial incentives the states receive. It’s in their best interests to stick non-custodial parents with as many fees as possible, rolling them into “child support orders,” in order to have the largest arrearages possible.

(E) Cost–effectiveness.—

(i) Determination of cost-effectiveness performance level.—The cost-effectiveness performance level for a State for a fiscal year is equal to the total amount collected during the fiscal year under the State plan approved under this part divided by the total amount expended during the fiscal year under the State plan, expressed as a ratio.
and

(c) Treatment of Interstate Collections.—In computing incentive payments under this section, support which is collected by a State at the request of another State shall be treated as having been collected in full by both States, and any amounts expended by a State in carrying out a special project assisted under section 455(e) shall be excluded.

While this sort of makes sense from a fiscal perspective, the results of the procedures that are put into place have a far-reaching effect on non-custodial parents and even businesses. For instance, numerous states are now switching to mandatory employment withholding instead of only enforcing this with NCP’s that are behind on child support. In one state where we have clients, this has created a nightmare with small businesses. Each month the state creates a monthly CS bill that is due, even though the actual CS is taken out partially from each paycheck. This creates an artificial “arrearage” on paper even though the NCP isn’t actually behind on child support payments. The employer has to do additional paperwork to process the arrearage. At the end of the month, when the payor is caught up, the business receives another automatic modification notice removing the extra payment for the arrearage. At the beginning of the next month, the client’s child support account is charged for the forthcoming month’s child support. This means they are “behind” and the cycle starts all over again for HR managers across the state.

The second portion of this code affects of lot NCP’s who have moved for work or even to follow the custodial parent after they moved-away with the children. Courts will not relinquish custody cases to new states or counties without a huge fight, because then they will not be able to collect all of those child support related monetary incentives. Of course, the new state wants that money, so they decided to just count it for both states which gives your new state incentive to jail NCP’s and enforce other harshly punitive measures against the child support payor for failure to pay child support.

Is it any wonder why shared parenting is not the norm in the U.S. despite the fact that everyone knows children having both parents in their lives is the best situation possible when it’s logistically feasible and there are no provable issues related to one (or both) parents in terms of their parental fitness? If states pass and enforce shared parenting laws, they stand to lose millions of dollars. Nationwide it is more than a $4-BILLION INDUSTRY! Yes, it’s an industry.

In 2008, the child support incentive fund was $483,000,000 and the fund paid for 66% of state workers compensation. If states lost this money, 66% of the money funding those benefits would vanish. The people who administer those programs would likely start losing jobs without that funding. Does anyone really believe that those individuals would vote in favor of other people’s children, when their own livelihoods depend on the income stream that results from these orders?

States earn money by taking one parent out of their children’s lives. It’s time to gather, organize, and help make the plans necessary to change this madness that not only hurts individual families and children - it hurts society at-large.

Stress

Time magazine's June 6, 1983 cover story called stress "The Epidemic of the Eighties" and referred to it as our leading health problem; there can be little doubt that the situation has progressively worsened since then. Numerous surveys confirm that adult Americans perceive they are under much more stress than a decade or two ago. A 1996 Prevention magazine survey found that almost 75% feel they have "great stress" one day a week with one out of three indicating they feel this way more than twice a week. In the same 1983 survey only 55% said they felt under great stress on a weekly basis. It has been estimated that 75 - 90 percent of all visits to primary care physicians are for stress related problems. Job Stress is far and away the leading source of stress for adults but stress levels have also escalated in children, teenagers, college students and the elderly for other reasons, including: increased crime, violence and other threats to personal safety; pernicious peer pressures that lead to substance abuse and other unhealthy life style habits; social isolation and loneliness; the erosion of family and religious values and ties; the loss of other strong sources of social support that are powerful stress busters.

8 Tips For Dealing With The Psycho Ex Wife

Step parenting is not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination. By marrying a man with children from a previous marriage, you assume the responsibility for being a part of those children's lives and caretaking, this usually comes usually with a bias (even if it's small) against you, the Stepparent. You have to learn to live with and discipline children that aren't yours, children that may not give you the time of day, much less validate your discipline attempts. Children with psychological issues are an entirely different subject and are usually influenced by a mentally ill parent!

And if that wasn't difficult enough, then there's the Ex, regardless of if she's crazy or Psycho, one way or another, this woman usually causes stress in your life, even if she's not a Bitter Ex. The Ex will never go away as long as you are married to your husband and they have children still at home to raise, so you're going to be dealing with this woman for a very long time.

The Bitter Ex is a whole other ball game and I pray for you if you’re dealing with a bitter, crazy or psycho ex wife. The Bitter Ex is a woman who is vindictive, hostile, irate, often irrational (sometimes she is so blinded by her hatred for you and your husband that it is even to the detriment of her own children), and she can be violent. She is often so blinded by her own anger that this woman will go to any length to make your lives a living hell. More often than not this stems from her uncontrollable jealousy...either jealousy over you because she still loves him, or she is missing her old life where the family was a "solid unit", your living in the family house, she's lost her jobs, houses, cars, money and boyfriends etc...the reasons are numerous.

So not only do you, the Stepparent, have to deal with kids that aren't yours, you now must find a way to deal with The Bitter Ex. From experience, I offer the following advice that may help:

1. Above all, NEVER lose your temper. The Ex will go out of her way to try to irritate you, and getting you to lose your composure is her goal. Bite that tongue and save those come-backs for your husband behind closed doors. Always keeping face will not only irritate her more (which is excellent "revenge" in itself, if you feel the need for it), but will give her no reason whatsoever to badmouth you in the future, trust me the people in the community know what and who she is anyway. And the children will see that she's the one who is irrational, badmouths you etc. and will eventually call her out on it, maybe not until they are grown and out of the house, but they see what she's done.

2. Always attempt to create a harmonious relationship between everyone. Try to be that peacekeeper. No, you don't have to be her friend, but by being civil and keeping the door open for communication can do wonders for helping the kids, which should be everyone's main concern...even if she is so blinded by hatred and jealousy that it doesn't seem to be hers at the moment.

3. If his Ex is really teetering on the edge of being a Psycho Ex, it would be in your best interest to protect yourself by documenting everything! You never know if you may need documentation later for restraining orders. Keep all letters, emails and voicemails from her that may prove her unstable state of mind later down the road.

4. Try to detach from the Ex situation and let your Husband deal with her. After all, she's really not YOUR problem, it's his. Detachment may save your sanity.

5. Never badmouth or say anything negative about the Ex in front of the children. This will only alienate the kids from you as they feel an innate need to defend their mother, even if she is psychotic.

6. Find a support group for stepparents, whether it's online or in your community. There are lots of online resources for stepparents & the unique issues involved.

7. Try not to take things personally, even if it's an attack intentionally aimed at you. His Ex is bitter for a reason, if she's so vindictive that she has harmed and alienated her own children that is something that SHE has to work out for herself. Her attacks at you stem from some miserable insecurity within herself, if she was the one that left the marriage bed she is probably filled with remorse or regret every time she see's you and your husband out having a great time and in love. Remind yourself of this, and don't take it personally because she has a mental condition. Pray for her and let it roll off your back because if she's psycho hopefully she'll eventually be ordered into a psychiatric evaluation if she's harming her own children.

8. Relax! And hang in there. It really is worth it in the end, those kids grow up and leave and so will their mom.

Marriage the Next Time Around

Make Your Second Marriage a Success!

It’s a proven fact that second marriages suffer a divorce rate higher than first marriages because of a simple, yet serious mistakes that people make when they re-marry.
Psychology Today stated that “a whopping 60% of second marriages fail. And they do so even more quickly after an average of 10 years; 37% of second marriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages.”

If we are to learn anything from our first failed marriage it should be the fact that you need to re-marry with intense CAUTION. Here are several suggestions that will help you beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make your second marriage a success:

1. Make Sure You REALLY Know Who You’re Marrying this time.....
Be sure that YOUR beliefs are equal with your spouse’s. And I’m not just talking about religion here. I’m also talking about your partner’s beliefs about making and saving money, disciplining step-children, love & affection, sex etc.
Being unable to agree about beliefs on subjects like these that will quickly put your relationship on the fast track to divorce.
Do not make the same mistakes you did in your first marriage.

2. Create a Check List of Issues that Led to Your Last Divorce
Write down every thing you and your ex fought about throughout your marriage. List even the little things because after a few years they become BIG THINGS!
Did you struggle with jealousy issues even though your spouse gave you no reason to be jealouse?
Did you and your ex have money problems in your marriage... Make a list of all the issues that contributed to your last divorce.
Those may seem like insignificant issues right now, but it is better to get everything out into the open BEFORE you are married...than to be sorry that you didn't later.

3. Don’t Rush Into your Second Marriage Because You’re Blinded By “Love”.
Research shows that the second marriage divorce rate greatly increases if you’ve been in a relationship with a person for less than a year. Do not make the mistake of thinking this research does not apply to you. As difficult as it may be to accept, these ARE the facts.
Few people are thinking straight if they remarry too quickly.
Though you may not want to hear this right now, romance is a very powerful “drug”. It will keep you in a trance like state right up until the moment you say I do…for the second time.

4. Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...Honestly Look at What Caused Your Last Divorce.
To beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate, you MUST start to be honest with yourself. Understand that it was NOT just one issue or the other person that “caused” your last divorce, you were 1/2 of that failed marriage, accept your involvement in your failed marriage.
It is the clash of two OPPOSITE value systems that drives people to divorce.
Two opposite “values” or "belief's" can cause a variety of problems in a marriage like:
Internet porn-adultery
Infidelity
Over-sensitivity
Lack of intimacy
Excessive fighting
Confusing and unclear communication
Not enough quality time due to busy schedules
Unsolvable children issues
Inability to find the real source of conflicts

It's important to find out which issues caused conflict in your last marriage so you can openly discuss them with your partner.
There is no need to discuss ALL the details of your last marriage...not with your future spouse or your last spouse. If you are truly emotionally and legally divorced you will have no need to explain your failed marriage to your ex.

5. CLEARLY Understand Your Expectations of Each Other.
It is important to go into a second marriage with a clear understanding of what your needs are. Men and women’s expectations and needs are shockingly different, so be sure to talk openly and honestly about these needs BEFORE you get married the second time around.
If you REALLY want to beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make this time around a success, you MUST understand the CRITICAL role that your and your spouse's belief systems take on in a marriage.

6. Wait to re-marry until you are over your divorce!
If you are in a constant battle with your ex over the kids or money, you are not in a possition to drag a third person into the mix. Do your self and everyone involved, wait until the kids are settled or grown and your ex is settled. Re-marrying will only ad increased stress to an already stressfull and tense situation. Many ex's will try anything to maintain any sort of a "Marrital relationship" with their former spouse that they can, make sure you know if you are in that relationship.
If you find yourself having to constantly defend your previous marriage to and with your ex spouse, you certainly are not ready for a third person to be thrown into the mix.
Be very aware of your future marriage partners relationship with his / her ex, they may still be too connected and not emotionally available to begin a new relationship with you if they are constantly dealing with the last failed marriage.

Good luck!
With some thought, you can have a successfull second marriage and beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate that is now over 60% !