Saturday, April 4, 2009

Marriage the Next Time Around

Make Your Second Marriage a Success!

It’s a proven fact that second marriages suffer a divorce rate higher than first marriages because of a simple, yet serious mistakes that people make when they re-marry.
Psychology Today stated that “a whopping 60% of second marriages fail. And they do so even more quickly after an average of 10 years; 37% of second marriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages.”

If we are to learn anything from our first failed marriage it should be the fact that you need to re-marry with intense CAUTION. Here are several suggestions that will help you beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make your second marriage a success:

1. Make Sure You REALLY Know Who You’re Marrying this time.....
Be sure that YOUR beliefs are equal with your spouse’s. And I’m not just talking about religion here. I’m also talking about your partner’s beliefs about making and saving money, disciplining step-children, love & affection, sex etc.
Being unable to agree about beliefs on subjects like these that will quickly put your relationship on the fast track to divorce.
Do not make the same mistakes you did in your first marriage.

2. Create a Check List of Issues that Led to Your Last Divorce
Write down every thing you and your ex fought about throughout your marriage. List even the little things because after a few years they become BIG THINGS!
Did you struggle with jealousy issues even though your spouse gave you no reason to be jealouse?
Did you and your ex have money problems in your marriage... Make a list of all the issues that contributed to your last divorce.
Those may seem like insignificant issues right now, but it is better to get everything out into the open BEFORE you are married...than to be sorry that you didn't later.

3. Don’t Rush Into your Second Marriage Because You’re Blinded By “Love”.
Research shows that the second marriage divorce rate greatly increases if you’ve been in a relationship with a person for less than a year. Do not make the mistake of thinking this research does not apply to you. As difficult as it may be to accept, these ARE the facts.
Few people are thinking straight if they remarry too quickly.
Though you may not want to hear this right now, romance is a very powerful “drug”. It will keep you in a trance like state right up until the moment you say I do…for the second time.

4. Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...Honestly Look at What Caused Your Last Divorce.
To beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate, you MUST start to be honest with yourself. Understand that it was NOT just one issue or the other person that “caused” your last divorce, you were 1/2 of that failed marriage, accept your involvement in your failed marriage.
It is the clash of two OPPOSITE value systems that drives people to divorce.
Two opposite “values” or "belief's" can cause a variety of problems in a marriage like:
Internet porn-adultery
Lack of intimacy
Excessive fighting
Confusing and unclear communication
Not enough quality time due to busy schedules
Unsolvable children issues
Inability to find the real source of conflicts

It's important to find out which issues caused conflict in your last marriage so you can openly discuss them with your partner.
There is no need to discuss ALL the details of your last marriage...not with your future spouse or your last spouse. If you are truly emotionally and legally divorced you will have no need to explain your failed marriage to your ex.

5. CLEARLY Understand Your Expectations of Each Other.
It is important to go into a second marriage with a clear understanding of what your needs are. Men and women’s expectations and needs are shockingly different, so be sure to talk openly and honestly about these needs BEFORE you get married the second time around.
If you REALLY want to beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make this time around a success, you MUST understand the CRITICAL role that your and your spouse's belief systems take on in a marriage.

6. Wait to re-marry until you are over your divorce!
If you are in a constant battle with your ex over the kids or money, you are not in a possition to drag a third person into the mix. Do your self and everyone involved, wait until the kids are settled or grown and your ex is settled. Re-marrying will only ad increased stress to an already stressfull and tense situation. Many ex's will try anything to maintain any sort of a "Marrital relationship" with their former spouse that they can, make sure you know if you are in that relationship.
If you find yourself having to constantly defend your previous marriage to and with your ex spouse, you certainly are not ready for a third person to be thrown into the mix.
Be very aware of your future marriage partners relationship with his / her ex, they may still be too connected and not emotionally available to begin a new relationship with you if they are constantly dealing with the last failed marriage.

Good luck!
With some thought, you can have a successfull second marriage and beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate that is now over 60% !

No comments: