John G. Is 63 years old and owns a small business.. He's a life-long Republican and sees his dream of retiring next year has all but evaporated. With the stock market crashing and new taxes coming his way, John assumes now that he will work to his dying day.
John has a granddaughter. Ashley is a recent college grad. She drives a flashy hybrid car, wears all the latest fashions, and loves to go out to nightclubs and restaurants. Ashley campaigned hard for Barack Obama. After the election she made sure her grandfather (and all other Republican family members) received a big I told-you-so earful on how the world is going to be a much better place now that her party is taking over.
Having lost both roommates, Ashley recently ran short of cash and cannot pay the rent (again) on her 3 bedroom townhouse. Like she has done many times in the past, she e-mailed her grandfather asking for some financial help.
Here is his reply:
________________________________
Sweetheart, I received your request for assistance.
Ashley, you know I love you dearly and I'm sympathetic to your financial plight. Unfortunately, times have changed. With the election of President Obama, your grandmother and I have had to set forth a bold new economic plan of our own..."The Ashley Economic Empowerment Plan." Let me explain.
Your grandmother and I are life-long, wage-earning tax payers. We have lived a comfortable life, as you know, but we have never had the fancier things like European vacations, luxury cars, etc. We have worked hard and were looking forward to retiring soon. But the plan has changed. Your president is raising our personal and business taxes significantly. He says it is so he can give our hard earned money to other people. Do you know what this means, Ashley? It means less for us, and we must cut back on many bus iness and personal expenses.
You know the wonderful receptionist who worked in my office for more than 23 years? The one who always gave you candy when you came over to visit? I had to let her go last week. I can't afford to pay her salary and all of the government mandated taxes that go with having employees. Your grandmother will now work 4 days a week to answer phones, take orders and handle the books. We will be closed on Fridays and will lose even more income to Wal-Mart.
I'm also very sorry to report that your cousin Frank will no longer be working summers in the warehouse. I called him at school this morning. He already knows about it and he's upset because he will have to give up skydiving and his yearly trip to Greenland to survey the polar bears.
That's just the business side of things. Some personal economic effects of Obama's new taxation policies include none other than you. You know very well that over the years your grandmother and I have given you thousands of dollars in cash, tuition assistance, food, housing, clothing, gifts, etc. But by your vote, you have chosen to help others -- not at your expense -- but at our expense.
If you need money now sweetheart, I recommend you call 202-456-1111. That is the direct phone number for the White House. You can also contact the White House here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/CONTACT/.
You yourself told me how foolish it is to vote Republican. You said Mr Obama is going to be the People's President, and is going to help every American live a better life. Based on everything you've told me, along with all the promises we heard during the campaign, I'm sure Mr. Obama will be happy to transfer some stimulus money into your bank account. Have him call me for the account number which I memorized years ago.
Perhaps you can now understand what I've been saying all my life: those who vote for a president should consider the impact on the nation as a whole, and not be just concerned with what they can get for themselves. What Obama supporters don't seem to realize is all of the money he is redistributing to illegal aliens and non-taxpaying Americans (the so-called "less fortunate") comes from tax-paying families.
Remember how you told me, "Only the richest of the rich will be affected"? Well guess what, honey? Because we own a business, your grandmother and I are now considered to be the richest of the rich. On paper, it might look that way, but in the real world, we are far from it.
As you said while campaigning for Obama, some people will have to carry more of the burden so all of America can prosper. You understand what that means, right? It mea ns that raising taxes on productive people results in them having less money; less money for everything, including granddaughters.
I'm sorry, Ashley, but the well has run dry. The free lunches are over. I have no money to give you now. So, congratulations on your choice for "change." For future reference, I encourage you to try and add up the total value of the gifts and cash you have received from us, just since you went off to college, and compare it to what you expect to get from Mr. Obama over the next 4 (or 8) years. I have not kept track of it, Ashley. It has all truly been the gift of our hearts.
Remember, we love you dearly... but from now on you'll need to call the number mentioned above. Your "Savior" has the money we would have given to you.
Just try and get it from him.
Good luck, sweetheart.
Love, Grandpa
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Court destroys families for profit
Stay informed on many issues at the Mad America Blog on http://www.everythingwestern.net/
Any attorney will tell you that custody and child support are two different issues that should not be considered together. The truth is far different, however.
As we all know, child support is based on income and how much time the children spend with each parent. In most states, support is determine based on the share income model, whereby all income is pooled and then split, with support being paid to the parent who has the most custody time and/or lesser income. The closer each parent has to equal time, the less child support is due. So how does this affect the shared parenting movement and fathers gaining more custody?
First, we have to understand a few realities. Child support is determined by judges that are supposed to follow state guidelines. Judges and all of the support staff that prepare support orders and enact collection procedures are paid by the state. The state is funded by Federal grants that are determined by these 5 things:
(A) The paternity establishment performance level.
B) The support order performance level.
(C) The current payment performance level.
(D) The arrearage payment performance level.
(E) The cost–effectiveness performance level.
Let’s take these one at a time and discuss how they impact share parenting and other custody arrangements.
(A) Paternity establishment.—
(i) Determination of paternity establishment performance level.—
The paternity establishment performance level for a State for a fiscal year is, at the option of the State, the IV-D paternity establishment percentage determined under section 452(g)(2)(A) or the statewide paternity establishment percentage determined under section 452(g)(2)(B).
Now, remember that custody and child support are handled separately in court. So, this section of the code is encouraging states to find fathers and determine paternity. Why? So they can collect child support, with nothing in the code to encourage that the newly identified father receive custody or even visitation from a woman who may not have even told them she was pregnant.
Further why is there no code for vigilantly enforcing child support orders against mothers? There are plenty of single fathers not receiving child support, yet you’ll not soon see stories about deadbeat mothers (despite the reality that mothers who are ordered to pay child support default in whole or in part at a percentage much higher than fathers).
(B) Establishment of child support orders.—
(i) Determination of support order performance level.—The support order performance level for a State for a fiscal year is the percentage of the total number of cases under the State plan approved under this part in which there is a support order during the fiscal year.
Did you read that?The more cases in which child support is ordered, the more money the state receives. It’s in the states’ best interests, and the best interests of the workers of the state (the ones that are judging and deciding how much custody you get) to keep one parent out of the picture in order to maximize the number of child support dollars.
(C) Collections on current child support due.—
(i) Determination of current payment performance level.—The current payment performance level for a State for a fiscal year is equal to the total amount of current support collected during the fiscal year under the State plan approved under this part divided by the total amount of current support owed during the fiscal year in all cases under the State plan, expressed as a percentage.
So, now that the state has forced a child support order, rather than making sure the children have equal access to both parents, the state has only assured that they are going to benefit by how much child support they actually collect. Is there anyone who doesn’t already know that children with two parents in their lives fair better than those raised by mothers alone?
This is the reason fathers, in the overwhelming majority of cases, go to jail for failure to pay child support. Meanwhile, nothing happens to mothers who withhold or deny visitation because the court has no financial incentive to hold mothers to custody agreements/orders.
(D) Collections on child support arrearages.—
(i) Determination of arrearage payment performance level.—The arrearage payment performance level for a State for a fiscal year is equal to the total number of cases under the State plan approved under this part in which payments of past–due child support were received during the fiscal year and part or all of the payments were distributed to the family to whom the past–due child support was owed (or, if all past–due child support owed to the family was, at the time of receipt, subject to an assignment to the State, part or all of the payments were retained by the State) divided by the total number of cases under the State plan in which there is past–due child support, expressed as a percentage.
As we’ve seen in many recent child support cases, arrearages are being assessed by recalculating back support orders, or even awarding attorneys fees, even when involved in contempt issues which are completely separate from support orders. The arrearages then count towards additional financial incentives the states receive. It’s in their best interests to stick non-custodial parents with as many fees as possible, rolling them into “child support orders,” in order to have the largest arrearages possible.
(E) Cost–effectiveness.—
(i) Determination of cost-effectiveness performance level.—The cost-effectiveness performance level for a State for a fiscal year is equal to the total amount collected during the fiscal year under the State plan approved under this part divided by the total amount expended during the fiscal year under the State plan, expressed as a ratio.
and
(c) Treatment of Interstate Collections.—In computing incentive payments under this section, support which is collected by a State at the request of another State shall be treated as having been collected in full by both States, and any amounts expended by a State in carrying out a special project assisted under section 455(e) shall be excluded.
While this sort of makes sense from a fiscal perspective, the results of the procedures that are put into place have a far-reaching effect on non-custodial parents and even businesses. For instance, numerous states are now switching to mandatory employment withholding instead of only enforcing this with NCP’s that are behind on child support. In one state where we have clients, this has created a nightmare with small businesses. Each month the state creates a monthly CS bill that is due, even though the actual CS is taken out partially from each paycheck. This creates an artificial “arrearage” on paper even though the NCP isn’t actually behind on child support payments. The employer has to do additional paperwork to process the arrearage. At the end of the month, when the payor is caught up, the business receives another automatic modification notice removing the extra payment for the arrearage. At the beginning of the next month, the client’s child support account is charged for the forthcoming month’s child support. This means they are “behind” and the cycle starts all over again for HR managers across the state.
The second portion of this code affects of lot NCP’s who have moved for work or even to follow the custodial parent after they moved-away with the children. Courts will not relinquish custody cases to new states or counties without a huge fight, because then they will not be able to collect all of those child support related monetary incentives. Of course, the new state wants that money, so they decided to just count it for both states which gives your new state incentive to jail NCP’s and enforce other harshly punitive measures against the child support payor for failure to pay child support.
Is it any wonder why shared parenting is not the norm in the U.S. despite the fact that everyone knows children having both parents in their lives is the best situation possible when it’s logistically feasible and there are no provable issues related to one (or both) parents in terms of their parental fitness? If states pass and enforce shared parenting laws, they stand to lose millions of dollars. Nationwide it is more than a $4-BILLION INDUSTRY! Yes, it’s an industry.
In 2008, the child support incentive fund was $483,000,000 and the fund paid for 66% of state workers compensation. If states lost this money, 66% of the money funding those benefits would vanish. The people who administer those programs would likely start losing jobs without that funding. Does anyone really believe that those individuals would vote in favor of other people’s children, when their own livelihoods depend on the income stream that results from these orders?
States earn money by taking one parent out of their children’s lives. It’s time to gather, organize, and help make the plans necessary to change this madness that not only hurts individual families and children - it hurts society at-large.
Any attorney will tell you that custody and child support are two different issues that should not be considered together. The truth is far different, however.
As we all know, child support is based on income and how much time the children spend with each parent. In most states, support is determine based on the share income model, whereby all income is pooled and then split, with support being paid to the parent who has the most custody time and/or lesser income. The closer each parent has to equal time, the less child support is due. So how does this affect the shared parenting movement and fathers gaining more custody?
First, we have to understand a few realities. Child support is determined by judges that are supposed to follow state guidelines. Judges and all of the support staff that prepare support orders and enact collection procedures are paid by the state. The state is funded by Federal grants that are determined by these 5 things:
(A) The paternity establishment performance level.
B) The support order performance level.
(C) The current payment performance level.
(D) The arrearage payment performance level.
(E) The cost–effectiveness performance level.
Let’s take these one at a time and discuss how they impact share parenting and other custody arrangements.
(A) Paternity establishment.—
(i) Determination of paternity establishment performance level.—
The paternity establishment performance level for a State for a fiscal year is, at the option of the State, the IV-D paternity establishment percentage determined under section 452(g)(2)(A) or the statewide paternity establishment percentage determined under section 452(g)(2)(B).
Now, remember that custody and child support are handled separately in court. So, this section of the code is encouraging states to find fathers and determine paternity. Why? So they can collect child support, with nothing in the code to encourage that the newly identified father receive custody or even visitation from a woman who may not have even told them she was pregnant.
Further why is there no code for vigilantly enforcing child support orders against mothers? There are plenty of single fathers not receiving child support, yet you’ll not soon see stories about deadbeat mothers (despite the reality that mothers who are ordered to pay child support default in whole or in part at a percentage much higher than fathers).
(B) Establishment of child support orders.—
(i) Determination of support order performance level.—The support order performance level for a State for a fiscal year is the percentage of the total number of cases under the State plan approved under this part in which there is a support order during the fiscal year.
Did you read that?The more cases in which child support is ordered, the more money the state receives. It’s in the states’ best interests, and the best interests of the workers of the state (the ones that are judging and deciding how much custody you get) to keep one parent out of the picture in order to maximize the number of child support dollars.
(C) Collections on current child support due.—
(i) Determination of current payment performance level.—The current payment performance level for a State for a fiscal year is equal to the total amount of current support collected during the fiscal year under the State plan approved under this part divided by the total amount of current support owed during the fiscal year in all cases under the State plan, expressed as a percentage.
So, now that the state has forced a child support order, rather than making sure the children have equal access to both parents, the state has only assured that they are going to benefit by how much child support they actually collect. Is there anyone who doesn’t already know that children with two parents in their lives fair better than those raised by mothers alone?
This is the reason fathers, in the overwhelming majority of cases, go to jail for failure to pay child support. Meanwhile, nothing happens to mothers who withhold or deny visitation because the court has no financial incentive to hold mothers to custody agreements/orders.
(D) Collections on child support arrearages.—
(i) Determination of arrearage payment performance level.—The arrearage payment performance level for a State for a fiscal year is equal to the total number of cases under the State plan approved under this part in which payments of past–due child support were received during the fiscal year and part or all of the payments were distributed to the family to whom the past–due child support was owed (or, if all past–due child support owed to the family was, at the time of receipt, subject to an assignment to the State, part or all of the payments were retained by the State) divided by the total number of cases under the State plan in which there is past–due child support, expressed as a percentage.
As we’ve seen in many recent child support cases, arrearages are being assessed by recalculating back support orders, or even awarding attorneys fees, even when involved in contempt issues which are completely separate from support orders. The arrearages then count towards additional financial incentives the states receive. It’s in their best interests to stick non-custodial parents with as many fees as possible, rolling them into “child support orders,” in order to have the largest arrearages possible.
(E) Cost–effectiveness.—
(i) Determination of cost-effectiveness performance level.—The cost-effectiveness performance level for a State for a fiscal year is equal to the total amount collected during the fiscal year under the State plan approved under this part divided by the total amount expended during the fiscal year under the State plan, expressed as a ratio.
and
(c) Treatment of Interstate Collections.—In computing incentive payments under this section, support which is collected by a State at the request of another State shall be treated as having been collected in full by both States, and any amounts expended by a State in carrying out a special project assisted under section 455(e) shall be excluded.
While this sort of makes sense from a fiscal perspective, the results of the procedures that are put into place have a far-reaching effect on non-custodial parents and even businesses. For instance, numerous states are now switching to mandatory employment withholding instead of only enforcing this with NCP’s that are behind on child support. In one state where we have clients, this has created a nightmare with small businesses. Each month the state creates a monthly CS bill that is due, even though the actual CS is taken out partially from each paycheck. This creates an artificial “arrearage” on paper even though the NCP isn’t actually behind on child support payments. The employer has to do additional paperwork to process the arrearage. At the end of the month, when the payor is caught up, the business receives another automatic modification notice removing the extra payment for the arrearage. At the beginning of the next month, the client’s child support account is charged for the forthcoming month’s child support. This means they are “behind” and the cycle starts all over again for HR managers across the state.
The second portion of this code affects of lot NCP’s who have moved for work or even to follow the custodial parent after they moved-away with the children. Courts will not relinquish custody cases to new states or counties without a huge fight, because then they will not be able to collect all of those child support related monetary incentives. Of course, the new state wants that money, so they decided to just count it for both states which gives your new state incentive to jail NCP’s and enforce other harshly punitive measures against the child support payor for failure to pay child support.
Is it any wonder why shared parenting is not the norm in the U.S. despite the fact that everyone knows children having both parents in their lives is the best situation possible when it’s logistically feasible and there are no provable issues related to one (or both) parents in terms of their parental fitness? If states pass and enforce shared parenting laws, they stand to lose millions of dollars. Nationwide it is more than a $4-BILLION INDUSTRY! Yes, it’s an industry.
In 2008, the child support incentive fund was $483,000,000 and the fund paid for 66% of state workers compensation. If states lost this money, 66% of the money funding those benefits would vanish. The people who administer those programs would likely start losing jobs without that funding. Does anyone really believe that those individuals would vote in favor of other people’s children, when their own livelihoods depend on the income stream that results from these orders?
States earn money by taking one parent out of their children’s lives. It’s time to gather, organize, and help make the plans necessary to change this madness that not only hurts individual families and children - it hurts society at-large.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Stress
We should not confuse/compare our situation with others (not to ask "Why only me" and get depressed).
Every one of us is unique.
Mother Divine / Nature responds differently with unique love to each one of us. Each one of us hails from different background, have different expectations, input of different levels of self-effort and thus different results.
The shortfalls are for us to improve (let it be in profession, career, family, wealth, status). We need to acknowledge and just proceed to next action (can improve the situation or should we just leave if it is beyond our efforts and if we have done our level best)
Live life full ….We are borne out of joy and happiness …... We are borne to be happy... it is only our own concepts and own views / inference on the events that make us unhappy..... ………..Nothing can take away the happiness from us..!!!
Have a great week my friends
Every one of us is unique.
Mother Divine / Nature responds differently with unique love to each one of us. Each one of us hails from different background, have different expectations, input of different levels of self-effort and thus different results.
The shortfalls are for us to improve (let it be in profession, career, family, wealth, status). We need to acknowledge and just proceed to next action (can improve the situation or should we just leave if it is beyond our efforts and if we have done our level best)
Live life full ….We are borne out of joy and happiness …... We are borne to be happy... it is only our own concepts and own views / inference on the events that make us unhappy..... ………..Nothing can take away the happiness from us..!!!
Have a great week my friends
Friday, July 10, 2009
Obama’s checks out 18 year old
Obama gave a new meaning to “Stimulus Package” as the president of the United States of America, checked out the backside curves of a young lady during his visit to Italy. I wonder what his two young daughters think of daddy? And can you just see the fire shoot out of Michelle Obama’s eyes when she sees this photo? ha ha.
The French President Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in amusement. Why not, perhaps Barack has French blood in him also…that would explain his policy towards Russia, wouldn’t it.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Step Mother's Bill of Rights
With Mothers Day right around the corner I thought it would be helpfull to have some suggestions for all of you involved in any way with a Stepmother.
You see, most of the "rights' outlined below I have already come to decide (even demand at times) for myself but only after many tears, arguments and a lot of very hard feelings, hopefully my marriage is strong enough to survive having had to live each and every experience listed below. No one should (stepmoms) ever have to be put in a situation where these Step Mom's Bill of Rights is ever taken for granted.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life or plans without my consent.
3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits or boundaries.
4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly and equally.
6.I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission ever.
8.I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10. Our marriage is our very first priority, and we will address all issues together.
You see, most of the "rights' outlined below I have already come to decide (even demand at times) for myself but only after many tears, arguments and a lot of very hard feelings, hopefully my marriage is strong enough to survive having had to live each and every experience listed below. No one should (stepmoms) ever have to be put in a situation where these Step Mom's Bill of Rights is ever taken for granted.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life or plans without my consent.
3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits or boundaries.
4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly and equally.
6.I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission ever.
8.I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10. Our marriage is our very first priority, and we will address all issues together.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Marriage the Next Time Around
Make Your Second Marriage a Success!
It’s a proven fact that second marriages suffer a divorce rate higher than first marriages because of a simple, yet serious mistakes that people make when they re-marry.
Psychology Today stated that “a whopping 60% of second marriages fail. And they do so even more quickly after an average of 10 years; 37% of second marriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages.”
If we are to learn anything from our first failed marriage it should be the fact that you need to re-marry with intense CAUTION. Here are several suggestions that will help you beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make your second marriage a success:
1. Make Sure You REALLY Know Who You’re Marrying this time.....
Be sure that YOUR beliefs are equal with your spouse’s. And I’m not just talking about religion here. I’m also talking about your partner’s beliefs about making and saving money, disciplining step-children, love & affection, sex etc.
Being unable to agree about beliefs on subjects like these that will quickly put your relationship on the fast track to divorce.
Do not make the same mistakes you did in your first marriage.
2. Create a Check List of Issues that Led to Your Last Divorce
Write down every thing you and your ex fought about throughout your marriage. List even the little things because after a few years they become BIG THINGS!
Did you struggle with jealousy issues even though your spouse gave you no reason to be jealouse?
Did you and your ex have money problems in your marriage... Make a list of all the issues that contributed to your last divorce.
Those may seem like insignificant issues right now, but it is better to get everything out into the open BEFORE you are married...than to be sorry that you didn't later.
3. Don’t Rush Into your Second Marriage Because You’re Blinded By “Love”.
Research shows that the second marriage divorce rate greatly increases if you’ve been in a relationship with a person for less than a year. Do not make the mistake of thinking this research does not apply to you. As difficult as it may be to accept, these ARE the facts.
Few people are thinking straight if they remarry too quickly.
Though you may not want to hear this right now, romance is a very powerful “drug”. It will keep you in a trance like state right up until the moment you say I do…for the second time.
4. Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...Honestly Look at What Caused Your Last Divorce.
To beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate, you MUST start to be honest with yourself. Understand that it was NOT just one issue or the other person that “caused” your last divorce, you were 1/2 of that failed marriage, accept your involvement in your failed marriage.
It is the clash of two OPPOSITE value systems that drives people to divorce.
Two opposite “values” or "belief's" can cause a variety of problems in a marriage like:
Internet porn-adultery
Infidelity
Over-sensitivity
Lack of intimacy
Excessive fighting
Confusing and unclear communication
Not enough quality time due to busy schedules
Unsolvable children issues
Inability to find the real source of conflicts
It's important to find out which issues caused conflict in your last marriage so you can openly discuss them with your partner.
There is no need to discuss ALL the details of your last marriage...not with your future spouse or your last spouse. If you are truly emotionally and legally divorced you will have no need to explain your failed marriage to your ex.
5. CLEARLY Understand Your Expectations of Each Other.
It is important to go into a second marriage with a clear understanding of what your needs are. Men and women’s expectations and needs are shockingly different, so be sure to talk openly and honestly about these needs BEFORE you get married the second time around.
If you REALLY want to beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make this time around a success, you MUST understand the CRITICAL role that your and your spouse's belief systems take on in a marriage.
6. Wait to re-marry until you are over your divorce!
If you are in a constant battle with your ex over the kids or money, you are not in a possition to drag a third person into the mix. Do your self and everyone involved, wait until the kids are settled or grown and your ex is settled. Re-marrying will only ad increased stress to an already stressfull and tense situation. Many ex's will try anything to maintain any sort of a "Marrital relationship" with their former spouse that they can, make sure you know if you are in that relationship.
If you find yourself having to constantly defend your previous marriage to and with your ex spouse, you certainly are not ready for a third person to be thrown into the mix.
Be very aware of your future marriage partners relationship with his / her ex, they may still be too connected and not emotionally available to begin a new relationship with you if they are constantly dealing with the last failed marriage.
Good luck!
With some thought, you can have a successfull second marriage and beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate that is now over 60% !
It’s a proven fact that second marriages suffer a divorce rate higher than first marriages because of a simple, yet serious mistakes that people make when they re-marry.
Psychology Today stated that “a whopping 60% of second marriages fail. And they do so even more quickly after an average of 10 years; 37% of second marriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages.”
If we are to learn anything from our first failed marriage it should be the fact that you need to re-marry with intense CAUTION. Here are several suggestions that will help you beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make your second marriage a success:
1. Make Sure You REALLY Know Who You’re Marrying this time.....
Be sure that YOUR beliefs are equal with your spouse’s. And I’m not just talking about religion here. I’m also talking about your partner’s beliefs about making and saving money, disciplining step-children, love & affection, sex etc.
Being unable to agree about beliefs on subjects like these that will quickly put your relationship on the fast track to divorce.
Do not make the same mistakes you did in your first marriage.
2. Create a Check List of Issues that Led to Your Last Divorce
Write down every thing you and your ex fought about throughout your marriage. List even the little things because after a few years they become BIG THINGS!
Did you struggle with jealousy issues even though your spouse gave you no reason to be jealouse?
Did you and your ex have money problems in your marriage... Make a list of all the issues that contributed to your last divorce.
Those may seem like insignificant issues right now, but it is better to get everything out into the open BEFORE you are married...than to be sorry that you didn't later.
3. Don’t Rush Into your Second Marriage Because You’re Blinded By “Love”.
Research shows that the second marriage divorce rate greatly increases if you’ve been in a relationship with a person for less than a year. Do not make the mistake of thinking this research does not apply to you. As difficult as it may be to accept, these ARE the facts.
Few people are thinking straight if they remarry too quickly.
Though you may not want to hear this right now, romance is a very powerful “drug”. It will keep you in a trance like state right up until the moment you say I do…for the second time.
4. Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...Honestly Look at What Caused Your Last Divorce.
To beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate, you MUST start to be honest with yourself. Understand that it was NOT just one issue or the other person that “caused” your last divorce, you were 1/2 of that failed marriage, accept your involvement in your failed marriage.
It is the clash of two OPPOSITE value systems that drives people to divorce.
Two opposite “values” or "belief's" can cause a variety of problems in a marriage like:
Internet porn-adultery
Infidelity
Over-sensitivity
Lack of intimacy
Excessive fighting
Confusing and unclear communication
Not enough quality time due to busy schedules
Unsolvable children issues
Inability to find the real source of conflicts
It's important to find out which issues caused conflict in your last marriage so you can openly discuss them with your partner.
There is no need to discuss ALL the details of your last marriage...not with your future spouse or your last spouse. If you are truly emotionally and legally divorced you will have no need to explain your failed marriage to your ex.
5. CLEARLY Understand Your Expectations of Each Other.
It is important to go into a second marriage with a clear understanding of what your needs are. Men and women’s expectations and needs are shockingly different, so be sure to talk openly and honestly about these needs BEFORE you get married the second time around.
If you REALLY want to beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make this time around a success, you MUST understand the CRITICAL role that your and your spouse's belief systems take on in a marriage.
6. Wait to re-marry until you are over your divorce!
If you are in a constant battle with your ex over the kids or money, you are not in a possition to drag a third person into the mix. Do your self and everyone involved, wait until the kids are settled or grown and your ex is settled. Re-marrying will only ad increased stress to an already stressfull and tense situation. Many ex's will try anything to maintain any sort of a "Marrital relationship" with their former spouse that they can, make sure you know if you are in that relationship.
If you find yourself having to constantly defend your previous marriage to and with your ex spouse, you certainly are not ready for a third person to be thrown into the mix.
Be very aware of your future marriage partners relationship with his / her ex, they may still be too connected and not emotionally available to begin a new relationship with you if they are constantly dealing with the last failed marriage.
Good luck!
With some thought, you can have a successfull second marriage and beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate that is now over 60% !
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Turning 50
Well, well, well...........,now I find myself turning 50 years old.
Amazing that I have even lived this long.
I grew up the youngest child by almost 10 years, the third in the family, living as an "only child" but not able to enjoy the benifits of being an only child! I grew up very quickly after we moved from a very rural area of southern Idaho into the big city of Portland. It was necessary to learn the ways of the evil world at a very young age, to watch and be warry, to trust no-one.
But with all that said, most of my life growing up was spent in very remote areas of southern Idaho and Eastern Oregon, far removed from the big-city lifestyle and dangers.
The dangers I faced were perhaps maybe even more dangerous... situations of life and death, facing the "Natural process of Elimination" from the gene pool.
One mistake with a wild horse, an angry cow or a mad bull and you can be permanently dissabled or dead, one mistake with irrigation, haying equipment, tractors etc. and you can suffer the same fate.
Then of course there were the wild rides, 4 - Wheeling, rock climbing, swimming in dangerous canals, the down to the wire races in fast cars and on fast horses.... All and so much more could have ended my life at any moment.
Was I an adrenalen "Junkie"...? Of course I was!! I was a thrill seeker from day one, and yet here I am 50 years later, "mostly" intact.
One thing about your "Golden Years" is that you some how begin to loose "Body Parts", as if they were disposible? Anyway, a cut here, a nip there and viola, your put back together again!
I've had my 50 thousand mile overhaul and am ready for another 50 thousand miles !
Oh, I've had mishaps and misfortunes like everyone has, I've suffered heartache, heartbreak and worried myself sick over my children, grandchildren, lost loves and present loves, but it's been a great ride, one that I'd do all over again.
I wouldn't change a thing.... well, except for the hurtful words spoken to my children, even though I was trying to protect them from "Themselves" at the time, the harsh words must have been such a terrible blow, I've regretted saying them a hundred thousand times if it's been once.....
At 50 you come to accept things as they truly are, not as you wished they were, but just as they are. That doesn't mean you like how things are necessarily, just that you are ok with it, that life happens, and how even with the best of intentions and hard work... sometimes it just doesn't turn out like you hoped it would.
And that has to be "OK", I have to trust that GOD has a plan for the future, a plan that is for GOOD and not EVIL. That is the only way I can have peace and look forward to the "Next" 50 Years!
Nothing ever stays the same......
Amazing that I have even lived this long.
I grew up the youngest child by almost 10 years, the third in the family, living as an "only child" but not able to enjoy the benifits of being an only child! I grew up very quickly after we moved from a very rural area of southern Idaho into the big city of Portland. It was necessary to learn the ways of the evil world at a very young age, to watch and be warry, to trust no-one.
But with all that said, most of my life growing up was spent in very remote areas of southern Idaho and Eastern Oregon, far removed from the big-city lifestyle and dangers.
The dangers I faced were perhaps maybe even more dangerous... situations of life and death, facing the "Natural process of Elimination" from the gene pool.
One mistake with a wild horse, an angry cow or a mad bull and you can be permanently dissabled or dead, one mistake with irrigation, haying equipment, tractors etc. and you can suffer the same fate.
Then of course there were the wild rides, 4 - Wheeling, rock climbing, swimming in dangerous canals, the down to the wire races in fast cars and on fast horses.... All and so much more could have ended my life at any moment.
Was I an adrenalen "Junkie"...? Of course I was!! I was a thrill seeker from day one, and yet here I am 50 years later, "mostly" intact.
One thing about your "Golden Years" is that you some how begin to loose "Body Parts", as if they were disposible? Anyway, a cut here, a nip there and viola, your put back together again!
I've had my 50 thousand mile overhaul and am ready for another 50 thousand miles !
Oh, I've had mishaps and misfortunes like everyone has, I've suffered heartache, heartbreak and worried myself sick over my children, grandchildren, lost loves and present loves, but it's been a great ride, one that I'd do all over again.
I wouldn't change a thing.... well, except for the hurtful words spoken to my children, even though I was trying to protect them from "Themselves" at the time, the harsh words must have been such a terrible blow, I've regretted saying them a hundred thousand times if it's been once.....
At 50 you come to accept things as they truly are, not as you wished they were, but just as they are. That doesn't mean you like how things are necessarily, just that you are ok with it, that life happens, and how even with the best of intentions and hard work... sometimes it just doesn't turn out like you hoped it would.
And that has to be "OK", I have to trust that GOD has a plan for the future, a plan that is for GOOD and not EVIL. That is the only way I can have peace and look forward to the "Next" 50 Years!
Nothing ever stays the same......
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Dealing with Parental Alienation
It has come to our attention that the effects of Parental Alienation can be extremely damaging to children and families alike, our goal is to inform and educate, give resources and help you find ways to protect your children from the harmfull effects of parental alienation.
We would like to open the blog to your comments and suggestions for our users.
Our children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect,
The Honorable Judge Gomery of Canada stated, "Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child."
In severe PAS the child is often fanatic or obsessional in his/her hatred of the target parent. For this reason alone the PAS-inducing parent no longer needs to be active, although the PAS-inducing parent will resort to anything to prevent the child maintaining a relationship with the targeted parent. The child takes on the PAS-inducing parent's desires, emotions and hatreds and verbalises them all as its own. The child views the history of the targeted parent and the targeted parent's family as all negative and is unable to either remember or express any positive feelings for the target parent..
The child is very likely to refuse Contact, make false allegations of abuse, threaten to run away, threaten to commit suicide or even murder - if forced to see the targeted parent. The PAS-inducing parent will hold little or no value for the targeted parent and hatred may be completely overt.. The child and the alienating parent have a pathological bond that is invariably based on shared paranoid fantasies of the targeted parent, sometimes to the point of folie a deux.
What Does a Severely Alienated Child look like?
They have a relentless hatred for towards the targeted parent.
They parrot the Obsessed Alienator.
The child does not want to visit or spend any time with the targeted parent.
Many of the child's beliefs are enmeshed with the alienator.
The beliefs are delusional and frequently irrational.
They are not intimidated by the court.
Frequently, their reasons are not based on personal experiences with the targeted parent but reflect what they are told by the Obsessed Alienator. They have difficulty making any differentiate between the two.
The child has no ambivalence in his feelings; it's all hatred with no ability to see the good.
They have no capacity to feel guilty about how they behave towards the targeted parent or forgive any past indiscretions.
They share the Obsessed Alienators cause. Together, they are in lockstep to denigrate the hated parent.
The children's obsessional hatred extends to the targeted parent's extended family without any guilt or remorse.
They can appear like normal healthy children until asked about the targeted parent that triggers their hatred.
Children in the severe category are generally quite disturbed and are usually fanatic. They join together with their alienating parent in a folie à deux relationship in which they share her paranoid fantasies about the alienated parent. All eight of the primary symptomatic manifestations are likely to be present to a significant degree, even more prominent than in the moderate category. Children in this category may become panic-stricken over the prospect of visiting with their alienated parent. Their blood-curdling shrieks, panicked states, and rage outbursts may be so severe that visitation is impossible. If placed in the alienated parent's home they may run away, become paralyzed with morbid fear, or may become so continuously provocative and so destructive that removal becomes necessary. Unlike children in the moderate and mild categories, their panic and hostility may not be reduced in the alienated parent's home, even when separated from their alienating parents for significant periods. Whereas in the mild and moderate categories the children's primary motive is to strengthen the stronger, healthy psychological bond with the alienating parent, in the severe category the psychological bond with the alienating parent is pathological (often paranoid) and the symptoms serve to strengthen this pathological bond.
We would like to open the blog to your comments and suggestions for our users.
Our children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect,
The Honorable Judge Gomery of Canada stated, "Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child."
In severe PAS the child is often fanatic or obsessional in his/her hatred of the target parent. For this reason alone the PAS-inducing parent no longer needs to be active, although the PAS-inducing parent will resort to anything to prevent the child maintaining a relationship with the targeted parent. The child takes on the PAS-inducing parent's desires, emotions and hatreds and verbalises them all as its own. The child views the history of the targeted parent and the targeted parent's family as all negative and is unable to either remember or express any positive feelings for the target parent..
The child is very likely to refuse Contact, make false allegations of abuse, threaten to run away, threaten to commit suicide or even murder - if forced to see the targeted parent. The PAS-inducing parent will hold little or no value for the targeted parent and hatred may be completely overt.. The child and the alienating parent have a pathological bond that is invariably based on shared paranoid fantasies of the targeted parent, sometimes to the point of folie a deux.
What Does a Severely Alienated Child look like?
They have a relentless hatred for towards the targeted parent.
They parrot the Obsessed Alienator.
The child does not want to visit or spend any time with the targeted parent.
Many of the child's beliefs are enmeshed with the alienator.
The beliefs are delusional and frequently irrational.
They are not intimidated by the court.
Frequently, their reasons are not based on personal experiences with the targeted parent but reflect what they are told by the Obsessed Alienator. They have difficulty making any differentiate between the two.
The child has no ambivalence in his feelings; it's all hatred with no ability to see the good.
They have no capacity to feel guilty about how they behave towards the targeted parent or forgive any past indiscretions.
They share the Obsessed Alienators cause. Together, they are in lockstep to denigrate the hated parent.
The children's obsessional hatred extends to the targeted parent's extended family without any guilt or remorse.
They can appear like normal healthy children until asked about the targeted parent that triggers their hatred.
Children in the severe category are generally quite disturbed and are usually fanatic. They join together with their alienating parent in a folie à deux relationship in which they share her paranoid fantasies about the alienated parent. All eight of the primary symptomatic manifestations are likely to be present to a significant degree, even more prominent than in the moderate category. Children in this category may become panic-stricken over the prospect of visiting with their alienated parent. Their blood-curdling shrieks, panicked states, and rage outbursts may be so severe that visitation is impossible. If placed in the alienated parent's home they may run away, become paralyzed with morbid fear, or may become so continuously provocative and so destructive that removal becomes necessary. Unlike children in the moderate and mild categories, their panic and hostility may not be reduced in the alienated parent's home, even when separated from their alienating parents for significant periods. Whereas in the mild and moderate categories the children's primary motive is to strengthen the stronger, healthy psychological bond with the alienating parent, in the severe category the psychological bond with the alienating parent is pathological (often paranoid) and the symptoms serve to strengthen this pathological bond.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
5 Great Conversation Secrets
By Marcy Barack;
The best thing is to ignore what's going on around you and concentrate on the person at hand. If you show that you are interested, you'll be surprised at how quickly people open up. To get the ball rolling, here are five practical principles for starting a conversation when you don't know what to say.
Flattery will get you everywhere. Make with the compliments to begin on a positive note. People are inclined to think well of you if you indicate you think well of them. The trick is picking out what to compliment without including some kind of sexual connotation.
Props. Women work hard choosing their accessories, and anyone who notices wins points. "Those shoes are sensational. Are they comfortable?" Check out a guy's tie, glasses and watch. Look at his feet. I have a mild-mannered cousin who indulges himself by choosing socks with wild patterns. Always carry a book or newspaper. Then, if your new acquaintance doesn't have anything obvious to remark on, you have, "Have you read this?"
Redirection. People love to share their enthusiasm for their hobbies. If you meet someone jogging, see if you can spark some shoptalk. And vice versa. If you're at work, try asking your date what he or she does to relax. Try to discover what is not obvious—the mind in the sexy blonde, the animal in the geek.
Ask more than yes/no questions. A question demands a response, which is the essence of conversational give-and-take. But a yes/no query can bog you down in a monosyllables. Think like a reporter: Ask who, what, when, where and why. Instead of, "Did you see the latest Robert Downey, Jr. movie?" try, "What did you think of it?"
Listen, really listen, to the other person. Shy people who have trouble making conversation are so anxious about what they are going to say next that they don't listen to what the other person says. Every answer to your intriguing questions opens up new conversational avenues to explore. Follow up on those leads. As an added bonus, the more you concentrate on the other person, the less your palms will sweat, the fewer words for you to stumble over. And your new acquaintance is bound to be charmed by your astute appreciation of his or her own sterling qualities.Marcy Barack is a freelance writer who often covers relationship issues.
The best thing is to ignore what's going on around you and concentrate on the person at hand. If you show that you are interested, you'll be surprised at how quickly people open up. To get the ball rolling, here are five practical principles for starting a conversation when you don't know what to say.
Flattery will get you everywhere. Make with the compliments to begin on a positive note. People are inclined to think well of you if you indicate you think well of them. The trick is picking out what to compliment without including some kind of sexual connotation.
Props. Women work hard choosing their accessories, and anyone who notices wins points. "Those shoes are sensational. Are they comfortable?" Check out a guy's tie, glasses and watch. Look at his feet. I have a mild-mannered cousin who indulges himself by choosing socks with wild patterns. Always carry a book or newspaper. Then, if your new acquaintance doesn't have anything obvious to remark on, you have, "Have you read this?"
Redirection. People love to share their enthusiasm for their hobbies. If you meet someone jogging, see if you can spark some shoptalk. And vice versa. If you're at work, try asking your date what he or she does to relax. Try to discover what is not obvious—the mind in the sexy blonde, the animal in the geek.
Ask more than yes/no questions. A question demands a response, which is the essence of conversational give-and-take. But a yes/no query can bog you down in a monosyllables. Think like a reporter: Ask who, what, when, where and why. Instead of, "Did you see the latest Robert Downey, Jr. movie?" try, "What did you think of it?"
Listen, really listen, to the other person. Shy people who have trouble making conversation are so anxious about what they are going to say next that they don't listen to what the other person says. Every answer to your intriguing questions opens up new conversational avenues to explore. Follow up on those leads. As an added bonus, the more you concentrate on the other person, the less your palms will sweat, the fewer words for you to stumble over. And your new acquaintance is bound to be charmed by your astute appreciation of his or her own sterling qualities.Marcy Barack is a freelance writer who often covers relationship issues.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)